Multiple marriages can be educational
by M E Wofford
Summary: This is the story of a day at the office when the boys and girls are having communication problems.
1. The men's room

**I do not own NCIS or any part thereof. **

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Tony looked at his reflection in the mirror over the men's room wash basin. The perfect imprint of a large Gem paperclip was centered in his forehead, right between his eyes. He touched the reddened area gingerly. Damn, it hurt. Never again would he doubt Ziva could kill someone with a paperclip. That woman was a loose cannon and he was going to talk to Gibbs about her as soon as he could. All he'd done was ask her if she'd seen the new Bond movie with that blond guy and she'd exploded. Screamed at him she was tried of hearing about his obsession with movies and then – blam – she'd hit him in the head with the paperclip. He thought maybe he'd passed out for a second or two. When he'd come to himself again he'd gotten up as fast as possible and headed for the men's room.

Not that the men's room was a sanctuary. She regularly made a habit of coming in after him. In fact, it was a running joke with some of the other agents - that she was Tony's personal rest room attendant, helped him hold his up, so to speak. He folded a wet paper towel and put it on his injury. The coolness felt good. She was just too dangerous.

The door opened and Tony cringed, then relaxed. Just McGee. The Probie leaned back against the door as if holding it closed. He was sweating and he looked about as pale as the white turtleneck he was wearing.

Tony turned to him and said, "What's up, McGeek? You look a little frazzled."

McGee moved slowly away from the door. "Ziva just threatened to cut off my, well my genitalia, using her nail file. And she looked like she meant it!"

"I'd stay away from her today if I were you, McGee. She is not in a good mood."

"I agree. And it's not just her. Something's up with Abby too," said McGee.

"What'd ya mean 'something's up with Abby?'" said Tony.

"Well, I took her a Caf-Pow like always and she's just sitting at her desk staring into space."

"So?" said Tony.

"She's listening to Barry Manilow."

Tony dropped the paper towel.

"WHAT?"

"Yeah, it sounded like '_Weekend in New England_.' I've always liked that one. He really…"

"Shut up, McGee!"

Tony rubbed his paperclip mark. The throbbing from the initial injury was slowly spreading through his head to the back of his skull.

McGee had moved to stand beside him, still eyeing the door warily.

"Is there something going on we don't know about?" McGee asked.

Tony started to head slap him but then the door burst open and both of them leapt backwards, hitting their hips on the sinks behind them and squealing like little girls.

It was Jimmy Palmer. His eyes were open wide and he looked absolutely terrified. He ran over to the sink on the far side of McGee and, turning on the water, started splashing his face.

As the door closed behind him they could hear Director Shepard's voice, well, screeching, "I want that screwing around to stop and I don't give a good godd…" Then the door sighed to a close.

"Something is definitely wrong, very wrong," Tony said.

"Yeah," said McGee. "We need Gibbs."

Jimmy nodded vigorously and echoed "Gibbs."

"NO," said Tony. "We can handle this without Gibbs. And besides, he's in court today. One of his ex-wives wants more alimony. I'm not going to bother him unless it's a matter of life and death cause otherwise it might be my life and death!"

The three men looked at each other, each secretly thinking that this might indeed be a matter of life and death, or at least severe bodily harm.

Tony put his wet paper towel back over his bruising forehead. "Look. I'll go down and check out Abby's problem. McGee, you go quietly to your desk and just keep an eye on Ziva. DO NOT APPROACH HER under any circumstances. Understand?"

He pushed McGee toward the door.

"You," he pointed toward Jimmy, "go fine Agent Lee and tell her the Director has busted your chops about all the extra curricular activity you guys have had all over the freakin' department and that you've got to lay low." Tony burst out laughing. "Lay low! Hey, that's a good one."

Palmer did not look amused. "How did you know?"

"Jimmy, everyone keeps extra Wipes in their desks because they never know when you guys have been there. Okay? Everyone KNOWS. Just go find Michele and tell her your sexcapades at work have come to an end. The Director just might get pissed off enough to fire both of you if it keeps up. Probably will, come to think of it."

Jimmy stood undecided. He looked really worried.

"GO" roared DiNozzo pointing toward the door.

Jimmy jumped and then ran into the door as he tried to get out of the bathroom. He bounced back, looked around dazedly and then opened the door and crept out sideways.

Tony turned back to the mirror. He was definitely going to bruise. He leaned his forehead on the cool glass surface for just a minute and then sighed. He stood up, squared his shoulders and then calmly marched out the door headed toward Abby's lab.


	2. The lab

Abby was sitting at her desk staring into space when Tony came through the sliding doors. Barry Manilow was no longer singing. Now it sounded like that country singer who had died in the back seat of the cab so many years ago, what was his name? Hank Wilson, Wiggins, something or other? Singing in a nasally voice about whippoorwills and crying and dying. Tony hated country music and Abby did too so something had to be seriously wrong here.

Tony said the first thing that came into his head, as was his habit, "Hey Abs, what's with the dead C&W guy? Where's Iron Pellets or Industrial Waste?"

Abby slowly turned on her stool to face him. She had no make up on and her eyes looked swollen. Her hair was pulled back in a single ponytail at the back of her head and she looked like a high school cheerleader. That is if a high school cheerleader was 6 feet tall, wore thigh high, 4-inch platform boots and a pink (PINK?!) miniskirt decorated with flying skull designs.

Tony slowly went to stand by her and put his arm around her shoulders.

"What's going on, Abby? Something you want to talk about?"

She just looked at him with her big, sad eyes and said nothing for a moment. And then she started crying. Big tears rolling down her cheeks. Nose turning red. She pushed at his arm and said, "Go away, Tony. I don't want to talk to you." And then she stood up to her full height and pushed him away as hard as she could.

He lost his balance and went halfway down on his knees. He looked up at her and she was still crying but now her face was twisted in an angry sneer and she looked, from his position at her feet, like some avenging Goth Barbie who was about to get medieval on his ass!

"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LAB, DINOZZO," she screamed.

Tony scooted out of the lab on his butt and didn't get to his feet until the doors hissed closed safely in front of his nose. As he stood and made a run for the elevator he heard another song start…it was that Aussie band from the 80s, Air Supply, singing about how they were all out of love. Well, hell, they weren't the only ones!


	3. The bullpen

I do not own NCIS or any part thereof

McGee looked at his blank computer screen and then looked at Ziva over the top of the monitor. She was typing slowly and seemed normally absorbed in the task. She was never a fast typist. He looked back down at his screen. He counted to 60 and then looked up at Ziva again. She was still typing. He looked down and pretended to type some, counted to 60 again and then looked up. And yelped.

Ziva's dark brown eyes were about 6 inches from his. She looked feral, wild, he thought. He didn't say a word, just kind of quirked his eyebrows inquiringly, hoping it would not set her off.

"McGee, why you are you staring at me?"

Tim shook his head and started to speak. Ziva put her hand over his mouth. Her hard was warm but not soft. It was a hand that could hurt him.

"You think I am fierce, do you not? You think that I might injure or even kill you in a fit of anger someday, yes?" She leaned closer to Tim's head until the tips of their noses almost touched.

"I will not kill you."

And then she grabbed his ears with both hands and held his head while she kissed him. A hard kiss. A deep kiss. With tongue. At first Tim tried to pull away but after a second or two he just relaxed and thought about moving his tongue too.

Then she pushed him away hard, making his desk chair slide back and his head collide with the wall of his cubicle. She stood up straight and looked at him and shook her finger in his face.

"I will not kill you today, at least. However, if you do not stop staring at me I will most assuredly pluck your eyeballs from your head and place them on lollipop sticks."

She turned around, walked back to her desk, sat down, and started typing again.

McGee sat very still, taking deep breaths trying to steady himself. Then quietly he got up and left the room. Once out of Ziva's sight line he ran toward the Autopsy Suite as fast as he could.


	4. Interval on the stairs

Director Shepard shouted his name.

"DiNozzo!"

He felt the hair on his chest try to stand up. He swallowed noisily and then went toward her where she stood at the top of the stairs. She looked a little stressed. Her usually immaculately groomed hair seemed frizzy and her face looked a little, what was the expression, pinched? The features on her face looked tight and pale.

Tony slowly climbed toward her and in his most neutral voice said, "Yes, Director?"

She stalked him.

"Do you know where the hell Gibbs is? I've been phoning him for over an hour and he doesn't answer me."

Tony started to answer her, tell her about Gibbs' court appearance and then he thought better of it. What if it set her off again? She had not been kind to Jimmy Palmer earlier.

"Uh, I'm not sure. He should be in soon though."

"Not good enough, DiNozzo. NOT DAMNED NEAR GOOD ENOUGH. I want him here and I want him here within the hour. Do you understand me, Special Agent DiNozzo? Within the HOUR!"

Tony nodded. "Yes, ma'am. On it. Right away, Director."

And he ran down the stairs. He ran all the way to Autopsy - the only place without women in it.


	5. Ducky's diagnosis

I do not own NCIS or any part thereof

When he got there he found McGee talking excitedly to Ducky. And he found Palmer lying moaning on an autopsy table in his underwear, curled into the fetal position and holding an ice pack between his legs.

"What the hell?" he began but then stopped. "Did Agent Lee do that to you, Jimmy?"

Palmer just moaned and shook his head.

Ducky came up behind Tony and put his hand on his shoulder. Tony jumped.

"Don't do that, not today, Ducky!"

"Sorry, Tony. I was just going to tell you that Agent Lee did not to 'that' to Mr. Palmer. He did it to himself trying to get away from her. He ran into the corner of a desk and it was just the right height to…well, as you can see. He was barely able to walk here under his own power."

Tony motion McGee to join him and Ducky near Palmer's table.

"What the hell is going on, Ducky? I'm getting worried. Is this some kind of systematic disruption of NCIS or what?"

Dr. Mallard shook his head and adjusted his glasses. "I don't think so. I believe I may know what's going on. I was highly suspicious of it this morning when Abby told me to 'effing get it myself' when I asked if she might bring up the bullet in the Haines case for me to check again. Not like the dear girl at all."

Tim and Tony both looked at the doctor and even Palmer stopped moaning.

"I actually checked it online and while no scientific proof has yet been established there is much anecdotal evidence of similar instances occurring. It may have something to do with pheromones or hormone/pheromone interaction or it may be something else entirely but apparently it does happen quite often. I'm not a good judge of this because my experience of living with more than one woman under my roof is limited and of course, mother hasn't been involved in this sort of thing for half a century. It is said that in female prisoners…"

"Ducky, what are you talking about?" Tony yelled.

Tim blushed and he asked, "Are you talking about, er, female cycles, Ducky?

"Why yes, Timothy. Oh sorry. I was rambling wasn't I? I thought I had told you. I believe that the women in the NCIS Building, who work together as much as 7 days a week on occasion, have begun to synchronize their menstrual cycles and that somehow it is compounding their usual premenstrual syndrome symptoms."

"We are so screwed," said Tony.


	6. Gibbs takes command

I do not own NCIS or any part thereof

Just then DiNozzo's phone rang and he jumped. He pulled it from his pocket and looked at the number.

"Thank God. It's Gibbs," he said.

He opened the phone and yelled, "Boss, where are you? We need you?"

He heard Gibbs say, "I'm on my way. What's got your panties in a bunch?"

Ducky took the phone away from him just as Tony took a deep breath preparatory to launching into the story. "Let me tell him what the problem is, Tony. You're overwrought."

Ducky began to tell Gibbs about the problem in depth while referring to his research online and Tim and Tony were trying to tell about their experiences that morning. Even Palmer tried to get a few words in.

Finally, they all heard Gibbs say, "So what? You're telling me that all of the women we work with are getting their periods at the same damned time?"

Nodding at the phone, Ducky said, "Yes, Jethro. I believe that is just what is happening. I am going to try to document it and maybe publish…"

He was stopped by the sound of Gibbs cursing, long and loud, with great command of the language of invective, as only a former Marine Gunnery Sergeant could. Tony grinned. Tim blushed. Ducky raised his eyebrows. Palmer put his hands over his ears and let his ice bag fall to the floor.

Gibbs finally stopped cursing and after a moment or two of silence he said, "I'll take care of it," and hung up.


	7. Multiple marriages can be educational

I do not own NCIS or any part thereof

Half an hour later he showed up in Autopsy and gave them the all clear.

"It's safe now. You can come out."

They all followed him out, even Ducky and a limping Palmer now with pants on. First to the Lab where Abby sat happily putting on her eyeliner using a shiny scalpel as a mirror. A half-eaten bar of Godiva dark chocolate lay beside her on the counter.

"Hey, guys! How's it going? Thanks, Gibbs. This chocolate bar really hits the spot, you know?"

They all waved at her and then followed Gibbs the office area. Tim started to say something but Gibbs held up his hand, silencing him.

Ziva sat at her desk, talking and laughing on the phone with someone. McGee hung back behind Tony. Tony rubbed his forehead and hung back behind Gibbs. She hung up and turned to them.

"Well, it is about time you all started to work. I have been by myself almost all morning. I was getting lonely and then Gibbs showed up and brought me a gift."

She smiled and tossed a Godiva dark chocolate bar wrapper at Tony. He caught it and gave a half smile.

"I am starving. Let's go to lunch. I will buy."

Tony and Tim looked at each other warily. She came and gaily put her arms through theirs and looked at Gibbs, "You coming too, Gibbs?"

He just smiled a slow smile and said, "No thanks. Just got here."

She looked at Ducky and Palmer. They shook their heads and smiled. She went off humming, dragging her two fellow agents along with her. They both looked helplessly at Gibbs as they were pulled by him. He just smiled and waved. "It'll be okay, boys."

Gibbs turned to Jimmy Palmer and handed him a Godiva dark chocolate candy bar.

"Take this to Agent Lee and don't talk to her until she gets at least half of it in her system."

Jimmy nodded his thanks and hobbled toward the elevator.

Ducky shook his head admiringly.

"Jethro, you never cease to surprise me. How did you think of chocolate?"

"No big surprise, Ducky. Multiple marriages can be very educational."

Just then Jenny Shepard's voice could be heard yelling Gibbs' name.

Gibbs looked at Ducky, sighed and then pulled another Godiva dark chocolate candy bar halfway out of his pocket and showed it to Ducky.

"One more delivery to make, Duck."

As he went up the steps he turned back to the doctor.

"When DiNozzo gets back, tell him he's buying the chocolate next month. This crap costs a fortune."

Then he made his ways up the steps.


	8. Gibbs and the Director

Jethro Gibbs walked past Cynthia's empty desk and stood outside the director's door. He listened. He could hear her talking. Must be a phone call. He turned the door knob and went in.

She looked up, saw him and slammed her phone down.

"Dammit, Jethro, I was leaving you a message. Actually one in a series of messages. Where the hell have you been?"

He just looked at her calmly. She stared back at him with that little line between her eyes. Her "I want" line. What she probably wanted right now was to slug him. He smiled.

"What's so funny, Special Agent Gibbs? Your director has been looking for you all day. You'd better have a damned good excuse."

She stood up and leaned across her desk, nostrils flaring, lips thinned and looking in general like she wanted to rip his head off.

"Close your eyes, Jenny," he said.

"Jethro, I am…what?" she asked. "What did you say?

"I said, close your eyes."

She gave him a funny look and did not close her eyes. He reached up with his thumbs and gently, so gently closed her eyes. She stood there.

"Now, open your mouth," he said.

"What!?" Her eyes opened.

"Jenny, close your eyes and open your mouth."

He reached up and closed her eyes again and then ran his finger over her soft mouth, dragging the lip a little. She opened her mouth slightly. He leaned over toward her and she seemed to lean closer to him. He remembered how she would sometimes reach her greatest sexual arousal around the time of her periods. How she'd become a wild woman, insatiable. He sighed.

The warmth of his breath touched her face and she opened her mouth a little wider yet. He broke a piece of the Godiva dark chocolate bar off and stuck it in her mouth. He put the rest of the bar on her desk.

Her eyes popped open, startled. Her mouth closed in reflex and she looked confused. She started to spit the candy out but he put his finger over her mouth and smiled again.

She started to chew and as she chewed she sat down.

"What are you up to, Jethro?" she asked suspiciously.

"I can't give you what you really need, Jen, so I am giving you the next best thing. For your sake and the sake of everyone in this office."

He turned around when he got to the door. She had broken off another piece of chocolate and was nibbling on it. She spoke around the chocolate, mumbling a little.

"I still want to know where you were today and what do you mean 'for the sake of everyone'?"

He walked back to her and her chocolate. He put both hands flat on the desk and looked straight into her eyes.

"I was in court with ex-wife #1. She wanted more alimony. She didn't get it."

He turned around again and headed back toward the door. When he got there he opened the door a crack and then looked back.

"As for the other, either keep a case of chocolate on hand or get laid more often."

He walked out the door, leaving his director choking on her chocolate.


End file.
